Same Age, Different Lives

My toddler now is the same age my son was when we first began to foster him four years ago. I look back at what the last 2 3/4 years have been like with my toddler-- how much effort and energy we've put into him, how much we've been there for him, how consistent we've tried to be as we've raised him.

It breaks my heart to know I can't ever do that for my son. I can't ever go back and reclaim his early years and do for him what I have done for his brother. My son's biological mother did irreparable damage to her son-- MY son-- by her addiction to drugs and alcohol. I know I can't undo that though I really, really wish I could. All I can do is what I have been doing for the past four years: providing love, stability, consistency, and expecting him to do well.

My son is doing well physically and intellectually. Emotionally, he's still stuck around age 4. Mentally, his brain may never recover from having been exposed to drugs and alcohol in utero. I know he has a great chance for a great life now. I know he'll be FAR better off now than if he had stayed with his biological mother. I know that.

But the mother heart in me wishes I could go back in time and love that little baby the way babies deserve and need to be loved. I wish I could have those 3 years for me instead of spending so much time and energy trying to undo the damage.

We'll get there. I know we will. But I've also known since the day my toddler was born that it would be hard for me when he would be the same age that my son was when we got him. And here it is. There are tears in my eyes. But it reaffirms my belief that we have a Savior who makes all things right, who gives everyone their fair chance whether in this life or the life to come.

My son will be okay. Come hell or high water, I will fight for him to have the best possible life. He will always have his mom behind him to push, nudge, love, help, support, cheer for, correct, teach, and hold onto him.

I love my kids.

Day Four-- You miss me! You really miss me!

Well, at least some of you miss me on Facebook! Awwwww. <3 That's so sweet. I'll be back and when I am, I'll be better in control of my internet tendencies.

...must have.... willpower.....

Really, really, really wanting to check Facebook. Did my cousin's wife have her twins? What's going on with the old childhood friend who died? What else has been posted? What's going on?

Breathing..... Deeply breathing.....

Day Three-- Missing all the News

Pictures, a death, and other important news. I'm missing it. Thanks to my sis for sending info via email. There IS a good use for Facebook. The problem was that I checked it 4 or 5 or 70 times a day. I had let my internet habit grow out of control.

I'm getting it under control because really I can only check out Blogger and KSL.com so many times before I think I'm going to lose my mind! ;oD

Last night I just shut off my computer. It was a great solution. I need to shut it down more often. My laptop is to me what some people's TV is; I use it mindlessly. Of course, I usually have my radio on too.

I need to learn to enjoy the quiet. I'll add that my list of things to do.


It's number 789.

2 am Party, BYOB

(for the record, that's Bring Your Own Blanket)

The toddler must be feeling some anxiety regarding his approaching entrance into the world of "Preschooler" because he has decided to stop sleeping through the night. Every morning for way too long (at least a week), he comes into my bedroom at 2 am with his blanket slung over his shoulder.

Ugh!

I get up and put him back to bed. Some nights I put him back to bed more than once. Occasionally, he wants his  dad to do it, but lately his dad has been going to bed too late and getting up too early so it falls to me to put him back to bed.

Nap, no nap-- it doesn't matter. He still has fallen into the habit of waking up at 2 am. Which tends to get my brain awake and then I have a hard time falling asleep again. He crawls back in bed at 6:30 am, but I usually leave him since I have to get up shortly anyways.

Ugh! Ugh!

Sleep deprivation does not look good on me, I tell you.

Politics aside...

Well, actually, I don't know if you can put aside politics when you watch this, but for me, from a fiscal viewpoint (since economics is a current hobby of mine), this looks very, very interesting.



And so far, I haven't been a big proponent of the Tea Party movement. I think I'm too moderate. But I did like this video clip.

Company-less, but still Loud

Our company finally went home. And I've realized I need to draft a contract for family & friends to sign when they agree to stay with us-- that they: 1) understand the nature of my birds, 2) understand that my birds can be and WILL be LLLOOOUUUUDDD!!, and 3) understand that I cannot fix it therefore they should not expect me too and I should not expect myself to either.

Just to clarify: NONE of my family actually asked me to make my birds quieter this time around, but I ended up feeling guilty most the time they were here because certain family members kept leaving or going outside or groaning. At first I tried to shush and shush and shush the birds. Then I tried to feed them to distract them. Then I tried to fight fire with fire by playing music. Finally, when I was tired, I gave up and let the birds sing, etc.. My blue crown conures are especially noisy when company is over. Especially.

I have 8 birds currently (why yes, I am crazy, thank you so much for asking). 5 conures (mini-parrots), 2 cockatiels (including a hormonal male and a molting female), and a canary (who has one purpose in life-- to sing). My birds will be noisy. Except for at night when they are sleeping (thank goodness). No one believes me that they really are quiet ever. They are quiet right now. They are quiet most of the day, but when people come over they are ready to whoop and holler and yammer it up.

So, for my sanity and to reduce my propensity for feeling guilty, y'all are on notice now. If you come to my house at any time, you will hear birds. You will hear my children fighting, singing, playing, screaming, laughing, crying, whatever (but it will be loud). You will hear my radio going because I listen to the news and talk radio daily; if my radio is not playing, then my iPod probably is. You will hear the dog barking at everything real and imagined. Chances are, you will hear all of these things at the SAME time. I've learned to deal with it by tuning it out. That's why you'll find me laying on the couch reading with all of the noise. I like to read and listen to talk radio at the same time. Call it odd, but it's what I like to do. Mostly I only do it when the hubby is gone because it drives him C.R.A.Z.Y..

If you come, if you choose to stay here, if you sign my contract and agree to the conditions, then you might even be given your own set of ear plugs (choose orange or purple). On the house.

Welcome to my life.

It's noisy.

Day Two- So far so Good

Last night was tough. I kept mindlessly walking toward my laptop ready to click on. I looked at a few random websites and then finally shut it down. Tonight will be tougher because the hubby will be gone. I tend to be on Facebook more when my hubby is gone at night. It's like a surrogate friend.

I think I can make it.

I'm just going to be brave and shut off my computer when he leaves. That should do the trick.

Surprisingly, though, overall I have to say that I don't really miss it that much. It's not so much Facebook itself that I became dependent on, but just being on the internet. It was just a mindless habit that I fell into. Now I'm trying to dig myself out of it.

...little antsy....

This is normally the time when I start mindlessly surfing Facebook. In between getting dinner ready and the kitchen clean and supervising homework and waiting for my hubby to come home so I can have grown up conversation. This is when I get on. I'm feeling a little edgy right now. Not really trembling or shaking or anything severe like that, but I can feel the withdrawals starting.

Deep breathing. Deep breathing. I may just have to shut down my computer so I can't mindlessly go online. Because really, how many times can I look at the local news website??

Breathing.....

My 1st Sunday as a Solo Parent

Yesterday I got to the get the kids up, fed, bathed, dressed, and ready for church all by myself.

And I survived!

30 seconds after my hubby left and right as I turned on the water to get into the shower, I heard the toddler's shrieks coming up through the vents in my bathroom. Then a door slam. A moment later I heard a knock on my door-- I ignored it. A few moments after that, I heard a pounding and a muffled voice. I quickly dried off and went out to investigate the crisis.

And?

The tortoise wanted some lettuce.

The daughter went into her room because her brothers were driving her crazy. The toddler was exceedingly grouchy. The son was bored and hungry, but mostly bored. The dog had to go outside three different times. The tortoise got fed. The latest rescue bird was in full life trauma and refusing to eat or drink. The daughter had a stomachache. The toddler wanted whatever his brother had, but did not want to get in the bath.

I did manage to get them all cleaned and dressed in their Sunday clothes. I clipped the nails on their body that had not already been eaten. I even cleaned the wax out of their ears.

Plus, I managed to curl my hair, put on makeup, and get dressed. As an added bonus, I drank a Pepsi Throwback with ice. Yum!

Done all without any blood.

I even had time to sit down and write two cards to two of my four sisters.

We ate lunch with only minimal screaming and fighting (and it wasn't even mine!). The kids got ready and we got to church on time! Woo hoo! The kids were good during sacrament meeting too. Nothing embarrassing to report.

So one day down, 5,000 or so to go.....

Behold... the OTHER POWER of Zucchini!

Brownies
½ c. vegetable oil
1 ½ cups sugar
2 tsp. Vanilla
2 c. flour
½ c. cocoa
1 ½ tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. Salt
2 c. shredded zucchini (I peel and grate.No seeds and squeeze out the extra “juice” first)
½ c. chopped walnuts

Frosting
6 T. cocoa
¼ c. margarine
2 c. powdered sugar
¼ c. milk
½ tsp. Vanilla

Preheat oven to 350.  Grease and flour a 9x13.
Mix oil, sugar, vanilla.
Combine dry ingredients seperately.
Mix together.
Fold in zucchini and walnuts.
Spread into pan (batter is dryish, not like normal brownies)

Bake for 25 to 30 minutes.
Make frosting by melting together cocoa and margarine.  Let cool.  In a medium bowl, blend together powdered sugar, milk, and ½ tsp vanilla.  Stir in the cocoa mixture.  Spread over cooled brownies.  ENJOY :)

Behold... the POWER of Zucchini!

HELENA, Mont. — A Montana woman fended off a bear trying to muscle its way into her home Thursday by pelting the animal with a large piece of zucchini from her garden.

The woman suffered minor scratches and one of her dogs was wounded after tussling with the 200-pound bear.

The attack happened just after midnight when the woman let her three dogs into the backyard for their nighttime ritual before she headed to bed, Missoula County Sheriff's Lt. Rich Maricelli said. Authorities believe the black bear was just 25 yards away, eating apples from a tree.

Two of the dogs sensed the bear, began barking and ran away, Maricelli said. The third dog, a 12-year-old collie that wasn't very mobile, remained close to the woman as she stood in the doorway of the home near Frenchtown in western Montana.

Before she knew what was happening, the bear was on top of the dog and batting the collie back and forth, Maricelli said.

"She kicked the bear with her left leg as hard as she could, and she said she felt like she caught it pretty solidly under the chin," Maricelli said.

But as she kicked, the bruin swiped at her leg with its paw and ripped her jeans.

The bear then turned its full attention to the woman in the doorway. She retreated into the house and tried to close the door, but the bear stuck its head and part of a shoulder through the doorway.

The woman held onto the door with her right hand. With her left, she reached behind and grabbed a 14-inch zucchini that she had picked from her garden earlier and was sitting on the kitchen counter, Maricelli said.
She threw the vegetable. It bopped the bruin on the top of its head and the animal fled, Maricelli said.

The woman called for help from a relative staying with her. They found the collie outside, unable to move, and took it to a veterinarian.

The dog appeared to be fine on Thursday, but the vet was keeping it for observation, Maricelli said.

The woman did not need medical attention for the scratches on her leg, though she got a tetanus shot as a precaution, Maricelli said.

Fish and wildlife officials were searching for the bear on Thursday.

Maricelli interviewed the woman, but said the sheriff's office was complying with her wish not to identify her.
"She was very, very shaken, and it kind of took the humor portion out of it for me," Maricelli said. "She said it had this horrific growl and was snarling.

"(But) she can see the humor in it, and she wanted the story put out so the local residents can take precautionary measures," he added.

Day One-- breaking the habit

This is normally the moment when I'd be checking Facebook. I'm not. I took the link off my browser window and I'm not checking it. I'm not reading about everyone's weekend and I'm not reading about who needs more help finding the Easter Egg tattoo in the their Mafia Wars game. I'm not reading about who has the highest Farkle/Family Feud/Roulette score.

It's not so hard right now. It's usually later in the day when I'm just checking in aimlessly and wasting time. That will be when breaking the habit becomes hard.

Facebook Break

So I've made a decision. Next week I'm going to give up Facebook for a week. So tomorrow (Saturday) night I'll put on my last post of the day and not check FB until Monday October 4th.

Two reasons: one, I want to see if I can do it; two, to give myself some space because I'm tuning into it too much.

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to take an FB Sabbatical. Wish me luck.

A Great Quote for Mothers

(I totally stole this off a friend's blog!)

"During the years that our homes are filled with little children, it's easy to feel that we aren't personally going anywhere. It's all we can do to maintain the balance of our lives. If we heap upon ourselves a lot of guilt about what we should be doing--running, studying, serving others, taking classes-- we can be debilitated.

If at the end of the day, you have not accomplished one single thing that seems permanent, if you have spent yourself rocking babies and wiping off countertops and changing sheets again, let me assure you that something truly wonderful is happening. Not only are your children growing and developing by invisible degrees, but you yourself are becoming a saint. I really mean that. Raising little children is selfless and sanctifying. You are developing the attributes of godliness--patience, long-suffering, temperance, brotherly kindness, charity--the very things we're on this earth to learn."

Author: http://askingjane.blogspot.com/

the Power of Friends

Sunday was one of the hardest days I've had in a very long time. I've thought a lot about that in the past few days. The one thing that keeps coming back to me again and again is the strength of my friends. (I will only mention a few)

For Heidi, who was my text support. Who kept texting me and telling me I could do it and that it was okay to cry. I actually texted during church! But it was to my lifeline. It was to my sister who was buoying me up.

For Lisa, who, without a word, came and sat beside me and put her arms around me. Who tried to listen to my garbled speaking and who saved me a seat in class so she could protect me if I needed it. She reminded me that even Wonder Woman has to take off her spandex outfit sometimes and then we really don't know what she's like; she may even bawl her eyes out! ;o)

For Becky, who felt my pain so keenly that she had tears in her own eyes as she wrapped her loving arms around me.

For my old Bishop, who simply held my hand, touched his forehead lightly against mine and whispered "Come and see us."

For Ashley, who told me honestly that she was sorry for me! ;o) Her comment made me feel better than any other, I think!

For my hubby, who when he was done being praised and patted, came home and walked me through my torrent of emotions and helped me get back on the right track. He brought me back to peace. I will love him forever and forever.

There were so many people who shouted "CONGRATULATIONS!" to me. There were even some who asked "Why are you crying?" There were many who just looked away because they didn't know what to do with a grown bawling woman who should have been happy, happy, happy.

But my friends were beside me. They helped me get through that day. They even told me I looked cute in my dress (puffy red face notwithstanding).

We are NEVER alone. We are always surrounded by angels, both seen and unseen. I want to thank my friends for being there. I feel honored and blessed to have you in my life.

To Walk with Heads Held High

To Walk with Heads Held High

"For those who eschew evil and live good lives, who strive for a brighter day and keep the commandments of God, things can get better and better even in the face of tragedy. The Savior showed us the way. From Gethsemane, the cross, and the tomb, He rose triumphant, bringing life and hope to us all. He bids us, 'Come, follow me' (Luke 18:22)."President Thomas S. Monson has counseled: 'If we are to walk with head held high, we must make our contribution to life. If we are to fulfill our destiny and return to live with our Father in Heaven, we must keep His commandments and pattern our lives after the Savior. By so doing, we will not only achieve our goal of eternal life, but we will also leave the world richer and better than it would have been had we not lived and performed our duties' (Thomas S. Monson, used with permission)."

Keith B. McMullin

1,000!!!

Today's number is

1,000

This is my 1,000th post.

Hip Hip Hooray!

Back in the Saddle Again

Sunday knocked me flat on my bumsky. I have not fallen apart that badly for so long. I bawled and bawled and bawled and bawled. It was like the sky had fallen.

Yesterday I felt sober, wondering how on earth to get past all the intense feelings plaguing me. Then I had an epiphany:

Just do what you were doing before. Do what makes you happy.

Whoa! The light bulb went on. Yes, things are different with my hubby. Yes, he's in a big calling at church, Yes, it will affect us, but NO it doesn't make everything end for me (unless I chose to let it). I still can choose to be and do what I was before. I know all the things I need to know to be happy and even if I don't currently feel it, I can still act out of what I know.

So today's theme song:

Yippee Kai Ai Ya! Tally Ho!

I just LOVE tiny things!

OK GO's latest video

Note to Self:

Don't cry over the vanilla soy milk spilled all over the floor and fridge.

Cry over the fact that now you have a clean spot on the floor and will have to mop the whole thing!

This is good perspective!

Orange Moon

My daughter glanced out the window last night and started to say: "Why is there something orange--" then she paused and looked harder. "Mom, why is the moon orange?"

It was a dark, pumpkin color orange because of the smoke from a nearby wildfire. I wish the picture had turned out with the same color. It was kinda creepy. Luckily today the winds have shifted and we aren't all smoky up here.

Yesterday

I started off Sunday looking fresh and cute (new dress, DI $6; curly long hair). I even wore my pantihose (since I didn't ruin them after the Gala)! It was a big day for our family. But an hour before church started, I started looking more like this:

Except my nose were bright red and my eyes were blood shot from crying so hard.

Why?

They put my husband in the bishopric yesterday.

A little lesson for my non-Mormon friends. Each area is divided up into a "ward" and the leader of each ward is a bishop. Each bishop has 2 counselors (first counselor, second counselor) to help him to minister to the needs of the ward members.

My hubby is now the 2nd counselor. It means a lot of responsibility and time commitment. I also know it will be a big blessing for our family, but, at least for yesterday, it was a hard thing for me.

It amazes me how quickly childhood insecurities can race back to haunt you. I felt overwhelmed and left out and worried and.... everything. I bawled through the WHOLE church block. I couldn't stop. I wanted to, but I couldn't. I'd stop for a moment and then start crying again. Bawled off ALL of my makeup. I came home with a MAJOR headache and feeling exhausted.

When my hubby came home, we had a great chat. I finally was able to figure out exactly why I was so traumatized about the whole experience and that enlightenment helped a lot. I started feeling more peaceful. Plus, the headache meds started kicking in and that helped too. Plus, I wasn't where everyone was staring at me or saying "CONGRATULATIONS!" or asking me why I was crying. I actually wanted to go home halfway through church, but I decided to be brave and stick it out. I stayed the whole time. I figure, if you can't cry among friends, then who can you cry with?

Life will definitely be different for us. Probably a lot like the hubby being in school, so I guess not THAT different. So we had 3 months without major commitments. Aahhh..... it was a good 3 months! ;o)

My Beautiful Blue Crowns

Darcey on the left and Ruby on the right. I guessed that Darcey was a boy and Ruby was a girl. I got the results of their DNA tests this week. I was completely wrong. Ruby is the boy and Darcey is the girl. They are siblings.

FYI: I named one Ruby since it was my birthday present in July.

Cell Phone Pics of the Gala

Every ceiling light fixture was a chandelier. They even had a massive chandelier in the women's bathroom. That bathroom was intense! Pink granite walls in the stalls. Weird! Tons of mirrors and chandeliers and not a single paper towel. They had real towels for drying off your hands. I wanted to take a picture of it, but that made me feel like a hick so I didn't.

Here's me during the silent auction. From 6 to 7:30 pm, they had a silent auction and I sat at my table and sold a dozen books. It was rather awkward, but I survived.

Here's the hubby and I (who is half blinking).

Here's our table with my books displayed. They had glass glasses for drinking. Most of the people there were enjoying the complimentary champagne and got more and more tipsy as we waited for dinner. It's always very interesting to watch slightly drunk people in public place. I didn't have a lot of interest in the books because no one really knew who I was.

There was a WIDE variety of interpretation of what "black tie" means. From pink bow ties to full tuxes to a lady who looked like she had just come from hiking. It was strange. For the most part everyone was dressed nicely.

At 7:30 pm we went into the ballroom for dinner. I got to eat dinner before they showed the 10 minute video Legal Aid made of my interview with Doug Fabrizio. It was really nice. After that Doug said "Ladies and Gentlemen, here is Sarah Southerland." And then I got to elegantly walk up four steps to the platform where I talked about how much power and influence they had in helping people in abusive situations. I lasted about 10 minutes and then sat down (and ate dessert).

While they did the live auction in the ballroom, I tried to sneak out and ended up tripping over the cord cover. Whoops! I stumbled and laughed at myself and kept walking. After people knew who I was, I got a lot more interest in my book. I sold a lot more copies after the dinner and talked to quite a few people (some who were even more tipsy). It was fun.

By 9:30 pm, my publisher's marketing director Lindsay and I were done. We packed up and headed home. We sold around 50 books and the two baskets I made and donated for the silent auction made them about $50. So I did my service.

My feet weren't killing me by the time I got home which surprised me. I was just exhausted and all keyed up. I think I fell asleep sometime after midnight.

I'm glad I did it and I'm glad it's over!

The Legal Aid Gala

To get ready for the black tie gala, I first started with my hair-- straightened it and then curled it. I was tempted to leave it down because it turned out so good.

This is me with my makeup on and hair still down.

The French twist would not work with my hair without my big, non-black tie clip. At first, I panicked and then I got creative. I made a pony tail, turned it under, and then stuck in my pretty clip. It worked great. My publisher's marketing director even asked who did my hair. When I told her I did, she was amazed.

OK, so really this picture was taken after the whole thing was over, but I kept forgetting to pull out the camera during the event. So in this pic, I have kinda a "I'm exhausted" look on instead of the fresh "I'm ready to go" look that I had when I left 5 hours earlier.

Here's the one pic I did take at the event. This is me at my table signing my books. We sold at least 50 of them. Before the dinner and my presentation, I did't sell very many. Once I gave my 3 minute talk that lasted 10 minutes, I had a lot more people interested in buying some.

All in all it was very successful. I had a nice time. My feet didn't kill me (thankfully). I did trip once-- of course, in front of everyone but I laughed and kept walking. Then I knocked over one of my books on my table which hit my water glass which spilled water into the bag of extra stuff I brought-- of course, all in front of people. And then I kinda stumbled in my shoes going down the stairs at the end of the event. So truly, I was in form! If I had not been a little clumsy, it just wouldn't have been me.

We got home at 10 and had a bawling toddler who refused to go to sleep. It took me a long time to unwind and I finally fell asleep around midnight, only to wake up at 5. I did sleep a little bit until 6:30 when the toddler crawled into bed with me. I didn't sleep at all after that. Right now, I am ex-haus-ted! Oy!

Goals Update #4, Final Countdown

#1 & #2- I've pretty much decided I can handle the pantihose and should be able to avoid that "crotch gap" phenomenon, though if I can't, perhaps I can store something there-- like an extra tube of lipstick or something. The shoes are going to kill my hips so I'll take some meds before I go. That and I will slip them off every chance I get. But I feel like I have these two things under control.

#3- I think I know what I'm going to say. I'm not going to write it down, but I'll go over and over it in my mind today.

I still haven't figured out how to use the clip.... of course, I haven't practiced on my hair at all, but I'll do that too some time today.

I'm not so much nervous as just ready to be over with this all. Plus my sinus is ticked off this morning so I'll be using my Neti Pot in the shower to rinse it out.

I still need to shave, my nails are painted, my outfit is ready, I need to add things to my clutch purse, I reconfirmed with my babysitter that she'll be here, the hubby's outfit has been cleared by the executive committee (me), and I think I just have to wait until 4-ish to start getting ready.

Should be good. Yes, I'll take pics. Yes, I'll post them. Yes, I'll have fun. No, I don't plan on embarrassing myself or my hubby. It'll be good.

And then I can come home and crawl into my pjs and elevate my feet.

Dress Rehearsal

Wear the hair down? (Obviously looking better and more done than this; plus my makeup will be done and all that.)

Or up in a French twist? Decisions, decisions. I'm leaning towards up.

3/4 length sleeves with a gather across the waist and a sparkly circle holder thingie. And it does make my middle look slender-ish (plus I have control top pantihose). This picture isn't quite so flattering for my belly.

My new necklace-- the most expensive part of my dress: $16, on sale. The earrings match and they were on clearance for less than $6.

And just a nice picture to amuse and horrify my mother. I won't put the pantihose on till tomorrow.

Oh, and I have a clutch purse to take along with me instead of my nice new backpack purse.

Hermy's Summer Photos

Hermy was quite interested in having her summer photos done this year again. Here's the best one of the bunch. You can see where she's storing up her fat for her winter hibernation. She's alot more plumpish than before. (I have the same issue, just so you know). She's looking good for her age-- she doesn't look a day over 55 to be sure.

Doug Fabrizio

Here's a picture of Doug who not only interviewed for a video for the black tie affair, but will also be the MC for the Salt Lake Legal Aid Society Gala.

Except he had glasses.

And his hair wasn't so poofy.

And he's really nice.

I'll have someone take our picture together. He in his black tie and me in my Barbie shoes. It will be a post in and of itself. So thrilling!

Find out more about Doug's show here.

Goals Update #3

#1- I am practicing walking in my Barbie shoes with pantihose. It may be hard for you to tell that I am wearing pantihose in this picture because you might assume that my legs are normally that tan and sleek-- they are-- but I am wearing pantihose. I had some knee highs I bought for a craft project for my daughter and I practiced putting them on. I got them on without ripping a hole or anything! Now I just have to practice walking around the house. And just so as you know, the REAL pantihose are off black, control top, invisible toe.

#2- (see above)

#3- I'm going to talk about my experience with my lawyer 14 years ago. I think it will be good. I don't think I'll keep to the 3 minute limit. But I bet I can get away with it. After all, I'll look good and shouldn't have fallen or tripped as I walked onto the stage. See, the host, Doug Fabrizio, is going to show the video of he and I and then will say: "And now, Ladies & Gentlemen, Sarah Southerland." And then I come out on stage and take the podium and speak for 3 minutes (give or take 10).

I'm having a dress rehearsal tonight. Plus, I got this really awesome hair clip thing to use, but I actually have no idea how to use it. I'll have to keep practicing tonight. That got me thinking maybe I could leave my hair long and flowy, but the French twist really is more "black tie-ish" don't you think? Especially if I can get the clip with fake diamonds to stay in. And furthermore, I had my hair long and flowy in the video so that covers both states of my hair: up and down.

Just a bit more nervous. I'll practice with the Barbie shoes and pantihose today and I'm sure that will help to ease the jitteries some...

Maybe.

I think I'll make a list to keep myself focused.

teensy, tiny cutie

World's smallest frog, recently discovered in Borneo. They never knew it existed. Isn't it so sweet?

My turn!

I rather feel like Cinderella's wicked step-sisters trying to cram my feet into the glass slipper when I put these things on. That and the circulation to my toes gets cut off. But, hey! It's all for beauty.

It's very difficult to walk in these shoes while filming.

Practice Run

OK, so maybe they aren't on my feet, but they are being broken in. And I am wearing them as I type. I'm practicing ... Promise!

Sunday Serenades

My toddler has become quite good at choosing the quiet moments of church on Sunday to perform.

There was the "arm pit" Sunday when he asked to touch everyone in the family's armpits. "I touch yous armpit?"

There was the Sunday when he stood up on the bench/pew and chanted "BYU! BYU!" a few times before I clamped my hand over his mouth and pulled him down.

There was last Sunday when he first sang "If you chance to meet a frown" and then switched for a song he's heard his siblings sing called "Down on the banks of the Hanky Panky." They learned this in music class at school. All the toddler can remember is "Down HANKY PANKY ooh ooh aah ahh squeep bop. KERPLUNK!" He shouts the last word. Oh, and he does manage to say "hanky panky" very loudly. Plus, then last Sunday he sang the Bob the Builder theme song.

He makes church amusing for those sitting around us. Though I do believe we are destined to become one of those families that people sit in uncomfortable spots in the chapel just so they don't have to sit by us!

He'll grow out it, right??

Goals Update #2

1- Last night I put on my knee high tight socks. They are thicker than pantihose and they don't go all the way up so you have to yank them so you don't have the crotch gap going on, but it was practice. . . . sorta.

2- I pushed my Barbie shoes away using my foot so I could open my closet doors.

3- I decided to dispense with any lawyer jokes as an opener. I think this will be for the best. I don't think lawyers like lawyer jokes (even if they are slightly inebriated from the wet bar).

Progress. Definitely progress!

I'm thinking tomorrow night I'll have a "dress rehearsal" and try on my whole outfit (minus the pantihose because those are a one shot deal, you know?)

Goals Update

1- I have not practiced with the pantihose. I only have one pair- one chance-- to get them on. I'll wait till Friday night.

2- My toddler has worn my Barbie shoes more than I have. I'll do it, I promise.... just not right now.

3- All I can think of is all the lame lawyer jokes I know and those don't make good openers for a 3 minute talk to 400 lawyers who have had access to a wet bar. I'm still working on this one. I'll come up with something. Maybe. Or maybe I'll just wing it.

So it's Tuesday. I still have like 4 days, so no rush.

Ah, the niceness of a babbling mountain brook

Peaches!

Soaking off the fuzziness of my peaches from my tree. Some got picked early because the birds, the bugs, and the neighborhood squirrel are starting to eat them.

Boiling off the skins before canning.

Waiting for the peaches to cool so I could skin them!

Finally, 15 quarts of peaches in light syrup. All from my tree. It was a lot of work and my legs were killing me, but I did it!

Goals for this Week

Friday night is my black tie event where I'll be the guest of honor at the Legal Aid Society of Salt Lake's Gala. It's at a 5 star hotel. It's black tie, I think I mentioned that.

So my goals for this week:

1- put on pantihose without sticking my thumbs through them

2- learn to walk in my Barbie high heels without tripping, falling, slipping, sliding, or otherwise making myself look like a fool.

3- prepare a 3 minute speech to be delivered to a banquet hall full of lawyers.

I think those are good enough goals for me. Should keep me busy all week.

(Oy, those pantihose!)

Life Changes-- in memory of 9/11

Everyday people wake up without realizing that some thing, some event that day is going to forever change their lives forever. And they don't even realize it.

Was it an ordinary morning for the people who lost their lives 9/11/01? Regular commute? Normal what-not? The everyday "Hi, how are you? How was your morning?" chit-chat? And yet now we will forever remember them because the loss of their routines, their normalcy, their lives.

It seems life can (and does) change on a dime. A single moment and the course of history is altered. For good and for bad.

Life is about change. We can't prevent the bad changes. We shouldn't prevent the bad changes. The bad makes us stronger and deeper through our suffering. Through our suffering, we are refined. We face each day and its uncertainty knowing that God will give us the strength to overcome and make it through it.

Life changes on a dime.

We have only one life. This isn't a dress rehearsal for something bigger and better. This is your life. Live it.

Duh!

The bonehead award goes to me for attempting to wash my face with my toothpaste tonight. I had it spread all over my cheeks and was wondering why it wasn't foaming when the minty smell caught my attention. Duh! I had to laugh. Time to pay better attention when washing my face.

It's been that kind of week-- non-stop demands sandwiched between major messes and insomnia.

Radar Detector

At 4:22 pm I snuck into my bedroom to lay down for a few minutes.

At 4:22:30 pm, my toddler started yelling from the kitchen: MOM, WHERE ARE YOU??

At 4:23 pm, he was kicking my head as he crawled onto the bed to lay down with me.

At 4:24 pm, he got off the bed and climbed into the closet.

At 4:25 pm, he opened the closet door and shouted GOOD MORNING

At 4:26 pm, he started feeding me invisible food.

At 4:27 pm, he was playing in the closet.

At 4:28 pm, he started hitting my arm and yelling at me to get up.

At 4:30 pm, I got up to get my son from karate.

Sigh. So much for a few quiet moments.

my whole day....

"Mockingjay" by Suzanne Collins.

nothing else done.

Blooming

They say "Bloom where you're planted."

Even better, bloom with some friends-- help them bloom too!

The more, the merrier!

Labor Day Geo-Caching

For Labor Day, we went geo-caching in the mountains around our house. It was a beautiful day to be outside. Geo-caching is when you use a GPS unit to find a "stash" based on coordinates.

Going to find our first cache.

We were wandering through the area looking at the creek when we came across a goat tied up. Random. We did find out the goat has an owner so we didn't worry too much about it.

A view from another trail in another canyon.

Up the trail.

Me sitting on the trail.

Down the trail.

In the end, we found 4 caches and made ourselves really, really tired. So we all had a good nap. Plus I got a migraine.

Family fun was had by all!

Uh-Oh... Guess what we are doing?

Kids are screaming.

Someone looked at someone else.

Dog is barking.

Birds are screeching.

Toddler hit someone with vacuum hose.

Daughter can't find something.

Eyes are being rolled.

Son is dancing in the living room.

Dad is yelling to be heard over the noise.

Toys are spread everywhere.

Birds are screeching.

Children start screaming directions at each other.

Pepsi is gone-- Mom drank it all.

Someone is crying.

Eyes are being rolled.

Dad is talking in strained tones.

Someone will not pay attention.

Mom is hiding in her room trying to get her hair done.

Kids are all crying.

Flip-flops are being taken off and exchanged for shoes.

Dad knocks on bedroom door to ask Mom when she's coming out.

Daughter is speaking in her pre-teen snotty tone.

Toddler is whining.
Son still hasn't done his job.

Dad is laughing (in a strained voice).

Birds are screeching.

Toddler is yelling demands.

Mom is trying to work up the courage to leave her bedroom.

Sandwiches are finally made.

Son is teasing the toddler.

Toddler hits son and yells "I'M NOT CUTE!"

Son goes stomping down hall.

We really should be leaving (an hour later than planned).

What time is it??? What is the cause of all this chaos???

Time for a Family Outing!!

(Reminds me of my mom threatening us kids as children saying: "We are going to have fun as a family today, darn it!" Though she didn't say "darn." I'm thinking the same thing today-- why do parents do this to themselves? Will the children remember the fun we are about to have or will they remember all the screaming and threatening that happens before we leave???)

A Most Excellent Quote

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland:

The future of this world has long been declared; the final outcome between good and evil is already known. There is absolutely no question as to who wins because the victory has already been posted on the scoreboard. The only really strange thing in all of this is that we are still down here on the field trying to decide which team’s jersey we want to wear!

Oh my Nightmare!

I had 10 minutes until I had to be at the school today and I was trying to get everything together so I could leave. I raced to the bathroom and then the phone rang. By the time I was done with the phone call, I had 5 minutes till the kids bell rang. I got the toddler and the dog outside and locked my door behind me.

The dog took off next door for the neighbor's dog. I chased after him and yelled at him the whole way. He finally came slinking back home and jumped into the van where the toddler was standing. I got the toddler buckled in and shut the sliding door. As I walked around to my door, I heard the horn honk.

The dog had stepped on my keychain and locked himself, the toddler, my purse, and my cellphone in the car.

It took a minute or two for the situation to register. At first I laughed. Then I panicked. I ran next door. I was already late getting the kids. My neighbor offered to let me to take her to get my kids. But I couldn't because my license was in the van.

My neighbor loaded up her grandson and went to get my kids from school-- she was about 8 minutes late. I took her cellphone and called my hubby crying. Luckily, he had been running errands and drove home to rescue me.

My toddler laughed at me as I stood outside the door and cried into the phone. The dog, still sulking over me yelling at him, laid down on the passenger seat, right next to my keys, and ignored me.

Thirty minutes later, my kids were home (thanks, W!), the door was open, the dog and the toddler were out, and I was exhausted.

I couldn't call my hubby, my cellphone was in the car. I couldn't call my neighbor to get my kids, my cellphone was in the car. I couldn't call the school, my cellphone was in the car. My extra set of keys to the van were in the house as were the extra set of keys to my house. All I could do was stand there and cry and laugh like a mad woman.

What a nightmare.

I'm so glad the van was at home and in the shade. I'm grateful that the toddler was happy. I'm glad my neighbor was home to bail me out. I'm glad my hubby came home to rescue me.

I'm glad it's over.

I'm taking a nap. I'm wiped out.

Happy Anniversary to Me!

Today is my one year anniversary for teaching writing classes at the juvenile detention center in my county. It has been one of the greatest experiences of my life. Teaching each week is one of my high points. I figure I've had almost (or over) 150 kids come through my program. There are some that have left an indelible print on my heart and I still pray for them to be successful. I feel like I've gotten better over the year of keeping discipline in the group and making sure we have a lot of fun. Of the the 52 classes, I've missed 2-- one for Thanksgiving and one because I was sick. Other than that I've been every Thursday morning for class, rain, shine, snow, or lightning. I won't even try to calculate how much money I've spent buying supplies for my kids.

I love my kids. I love teaching at the detention center. It has changed me for the better in so many ways. I'm grateful for the chance to do it.

Here's the first post I ever did about my class.

Here's the post I wrote after teaching for the first time.

Here's the post that I think I love the best.

I'm so grateful that I had the courage to start this in the first place. How much less fulfilling my life would be now if I had just kept doing the same thing because I was too afraid to try to reach my dreams.

"I want to QUIT!"

(This totally applies to me doing bird rescue and also to anybody who is working hard at a good cause, animal or human!)

Author: Joan C. Fremo, the director of a Great Pyrennes dog rescue organization
Published on: May 16, 2001


I want to quit!


My health is bad. There are days I feel so terrible that I can barely move. My phone bills are outrageous, and I could have replaced my van with the funds I have spent these last 3 years---on animals that were not my own.


I want to quit!


I spend hours and hours emailing about dogs. There may be 500 messages when I start---and at 4 AM, when I finally shut down the computer, there are still 500 emails to be read.


I want to quit!


Gosh, I haven't the time left to email my friends. I can't remember the last book I read, and I gave up my subscription to my local newspaper---I used to enjoy reading it, cover to cover, but now it often ends up in the bottom of the squirrel's cage---unread.


I want to quit!


I've spent days emailing what seems like everyone---trying to find a foster home, help for a dog languishing in a shelter---but his time has run out, and the shelter has had to euthanize to make room for the next sad soul.


I want to quit!


I swear, I walk away from my computer to stretch my legs---let the dogs out---and come back to find another dog in desperate need. There are times I really dread checking my email. How will I find the funds, the help, to save yet another dog?


I want to quit!


I save one dog, and two more take its place. Now an owner who doesn't want his dog---it won't stay in his unfenced yard. An intact male wanders... This bitch got pregnant by a stray... This 3-month-old pup killed baby chicks... The dog got too big... This person's moving and needs to give up his pet. I ask you, friends---what town, what city, what state doesn't allow you to own a pet?


I want to quit!


I just received another picture, another sad soul with tormented eyes that peer out of a malnourished body. I hear whimpering in my sleep, have nightmares for days...


I want to quit!


Many of the "Breed People" don't seem to want to hear about these dogs. Breeders either don't realize, or just don't care, how many dogs of their breed are dying in shelters.


I want to quit!


I just got off the phone. "Are you Pyr Rescue? We want to adopt a male to breed to our female." How many times do I have to explain? I have tried to explain about genetics, about health and pedigrees. I explain that rescue NEUTERS! I usually end up sobbing, as I explain about the vast numbers of animals dying in shelters across the country, as I describe the condition many of these animals are found in. I wonder if they really heard me...


I want to quit!


It is not like I don't have enough rescues of my own to worry about---but others have placed dogs improperly and aren't there to advise the new owners.


I want to quit!


There ARE some unscrupulous rescues out there---hoarders, collectors, and folks who will short change the care of the animals to make a dollar. They save them all, regardless of temperament, putting fellow rescuer's and adopters at risk but not being truthful.


I want to quit!


I have trusted the wrong people--- had faith and heart broken...


I want to quit!


AND THEN... My dog, Magnus, lays his head in my lap, he comforts me with his gentle presence---and the thought of his cousins suffering stirs my heart.


I want to quit!


AND THEN... One of those 500 emails is from an adopter. They are thanking me for the most wonderful dog on earth---they cannot imagine life without their friend---their life is changed, and they are so grateful.


I want to quit!

AND THEN... One of my adopted Rescues has visited a nursing home. A patient that has spent the last few years unable to communicate, not connecting---Lifts his hand to pat the huge head in his lap, softly speaks his first words in ages--- to this gentle fur child.


I want to quit!


AND THEN... A Good Samaritan has found and vetted a lost baby, "I can't keep him, but I'll take care of him until you find his forever home."


I want to quit!


AND THEN... "Jamie took his first steps holding on to our Pyr." "Joan, you should see this dog nursing this hurt kitten!" "I was so sick, Joan, and he never left my side..."


I want to quit!


AND THEN... I get an email from a fellow rescuer, "Haven't heard from you in a while---you OK? You know I think of you..."


I want to quit!

AND THEN... A dozen rescuers step up to help, to transport, to pull, and to offer encouragement. I have friends I have never seen, but we share tears, joys, and everything in between. I am not alone. I am blest with family of the heart, my fellow Rescuers. Just days ago it was a friend who shared her wit and wisdom, whose late night email lifted my heart. Sometimes it is friends who only have time to forward you a smile. Often, it is my friends who forward me the notices of dogs in need.


There are Rescuers who see a failing transport and do everything they can to find folks to pull it together for you.


Rescuers who'll overnight or foster your Dog while you seek transport.


There are Rescuers not used to or comfortable with your breed, but who put aside their discomfort to help.


There are Rescuers whose words play the music of our hearts.


Foster homes that love your Rescue, and help to make them whole again---body and spirit. Foster homes that fit your baby in, though it may not be their breed.


Rescuers whose talents and determination give us tools to help us. Rescuers we call on for help in a thousand ways, who answer us, who hear our pleas.


Rescuers who are our family, our strength, our comrades in battle.


I know I cannot save every Pyr in need. I know my efforts are a mere drop in a sea. I know that if I take on just one more---those I have will suffer.

"Anchor" by Mindy Gledhill

I love this lady's music!!

Interview Dress

Here is my new outfit: a sleeveless dress with a wild, sorta 60's style print and a short sleeve jacket. I added the flower as a nice touch. I thought about wearing this to the Legal Aid Gala but decided it wasn't dressy enough. So today I wore my outfit to my interview with Doug Fabrizio, the host of Radio West on KUER at the U of U. It went really well and took a lot less time than they were expecting. Doug is a fantastic interviewer and I enjoyed answering his questions. The videographer will take all the footage he shot and put it together in a presentation that will be shown at the Gala in a couple weeks (which will be at the Grand America). Then Doug will interview me again on stage and we'll raise money for Legal Aid.

I couldn't believe how nervous I was when I went for the interview-- it's been 4 years since I've done any presentations on domestic violence. Gratefully, I slipped back into my presenter mode and had a nice time. It just strikes me as odd that the Legal Aid people are so excited to have me as a guest. I'm just me-- not a big name celebrity or anything.

Yoga Dropout

Last year, I dropped out of yoga, which just further proves that my chi is really dislodged or whatever. My teacher was brutal with her ab exercises AND she was too heavy into the spiritualism mumbo-jumbo of yoga. I couldn't take it. So I left (even though I had 3 classes left on my pass).

Every so often I think: Hey! Why can't I do yoga at home?

Then I try it.

Then I remember why I don't do it.

The second I lay down on the floor, my toddler-soon-to-be-3-year-old decides that I have just become a slide/gate/swing/door/mat/punching bag/bean bag/toy/seat/bed/action figure and the stretching takes on a new dimension. Um, I'm pretty sure my muscles were never intended to stretch the way he pushes them as he grabs onto my legs and tries to swing himself around.

It changes from a "workout" to "torture."

Once the bruising heals and I can walk normally again and the memories fade, I find myself thinking: Hey! Why can't I do yoga at home?

And the cycle repeats itself.