What I'm Reading Now:

I can feel my paradigms shifting.

and I'm only on page 13.

And what does that mean?

I can't tell you yet.

But it's making me a better person. I'm seeing beyond the "gay" label to the person who is my spiritual brother/sister.

I will keep you posted.

Winter Sunset

Last Bird Standing

(he wouldn't stop grooming himself so I could take a good picture).

I'm down to one bird. Well, one bird plus the canary. Weird. My house is quiet and my floors are cleaner. But it feels emptier somehow. All my other birds went to great homes. It's just an odd experience to have only one around right now.

SNOW!

Why, yes, that is a lot of snow. Would you like some?

Awwww! Why I do bird rescue

Remember Bubby? The peach front conure I rescued in October? I placed him a good home today. A few hours after he arrive home, I received the following email:

What a great experience this has been.  Bubby was on his play stuff and flew down and walked over to me.  He has been sitting on me, walking around in front of me, giving me kisses on the lip, the whole time that we have been home. Very good experience...thank you.


That's why I do bird rescue- for those moments of feeling like I improved the life of two of God's creatures (one bird & one human). I'm so happy for Bubby and his new owner. It's so rewarding (and frustrating and heartbreaking). 


Right now I have one red belly parrot and one canary. My house is quiet and my bird wall is empty. It's really weird! My next bird will actually be a hand-fed baby that will be my very own snuggle bug. I'm super excited about that. And then I'll keep doing bird rescue because for all the challenge and trauma, it has its moments of success. 

Beautiful Sunset

True Beauty

Nichole Nordemann is one of my ALL-TIME favorite singers. I love the message behind this song. We are ALL beautiful to our Heavenly Father who created us.



Can you imagine your Father in Heaven telling you that you are beautiful just the way you are? That He loves you? That He smiles over you? That He finds you to be amazing?

I think we each need to imagine that more often.

Gratitude for God's Plan

"Meant to Be" by Steven Curtis Chapman



I am grateful for today that God has a plan for each of us. This is a beautiful song to remind us of that.

Another Inspirational Blog

I've been following "The Coleman Family" blog for a few months now. It is an amazing family: Mom, Dad, Jonas, and baby Maggie. Both kids have SMA (spinal muscular atrophy). This mom is amazing.

I highly recommend you read it. You will be reminded that life is precious.

http://coleman2family.blogspot.com/

Continue in Patience

Sharing the Light of Christ

Fabulous Quotes

"Sisters, we love you. We pray for you. Be strong and of good courage. You are truly royal spirit daughters of Almighty God. You are princesses, destined to become queens. Your own wondrous story has already begun. Your 'once upon a time' is now." 


-President Dieter F. Uctdorf


"Our Heavenly Father, who loves us completely and perfectly, permits us to have experiences that will allow us to develop the traits and attributes we need to become more and more Christlike. . . . As we understand this doctrine, we gain greater assurance of our Father's love."


-Elder James B. Martino 

Welcome Fall!

see the nice bruises starting?

my knee is about twice as big as it should be

Yesterday, because I wasn't watching where I was going, I tripped over a crack in the sidewalk and face-planted. My knees bore most of the brunt of the fall-- though I couldn't get a good picture to show the huge goose egg on the one knee and the bruising that's surrounding it. And I can't really take a picture of me hobbling around like an old woman. It hurts! I'm such a weenie with road rash-- migraines, fine. Road rash? Wah!

The worst part was the people standing there watching. "Are you okay?" they kept asking. No! I was embarrassed beyond belief and in pain AND I ripped my pants. Ay yi yi.

"Innocent" by Taylor Swift

I LOVE this song. I think I'm going to play it for the teens in my writing class.




lyrics:
I guess you really did it this time
Left yourself in your warpath
Lost your balance on a tightrope
Lost your mind tryin' to get it back

Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything?
And everybody believed in you?

It's all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
You're still an innocent

There's some things you can't speak of
But tonight you'll live it all again
You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now
If only you would see what you know now then

Wasn't it easier in your firefly-catchin' days?
And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn't it beautiful runnin' wild 'til you fell asleep?
Before the monsters caught up to you?

It's all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent

It's okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin' up now
Who you are is not what you did
You're still an innocent

Time turns flames to embers
You'll have new Septembers
Every one of us has messed up too

Lives change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never to late to
Be brand new

It's all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights are still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent

It's okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin' up now
Who you are is not what you did
You're still an innocent
You're still an innocent

Lost your balance on a tightrope
Its never too late to get back

Labels

Last Thursday night, I stood in the chapel at the Salt Lake Valley Detention center and greeted the 30 + teens who filed into the room for my presentation. As they sat, I handed them a name tag label.

"Here, put this on. Front and center."

The kids looked at their labels, snickered a bit, showed each other, snickered some more, and then looked up at me to see if I was joking.

"Front. And. Center." I repeated more slowly. I motioned toward my name tag on the center of my T-shirt. "See? This is how you do it. This is not that difficult, but I can see that some of you may need me to repeat these simple instructions." I paced up and down the aisles, pointing to people and instructing: "Place the label front and center. Front and center, please. No. Front and center. I didn't say to the side."

By the time all the labels were placed, the room was filled with 'punks' 'losers' 'failures' 'idiots' 'morons,' 'worthless' 'ugly' 'pathetic' teens. "Good," I told them, "now I know your names." That's when my lesson began.

I started out wearing my own name on my tag and walked the teens through my own story of abuse by focusing on the labels given to me by my ex: 'Beautiful' 'Loner' 'Worthless' 'Failure' 'Reject.' Once I began describing my story of getting out and getting help, I had two new labels to add to the pile of stickers on my shirt: 'Victim' and 'Survivor.'

"I realized," I told them, "that I didn't like any of these labels. None of them described me, who I was, who I was becoming." I ripped all the labels off and threw them in my trash bag. I put on one last label: 'Sarah.'

"What labels are you wearing?" I asked them. Immediately, half of the teens read out the label on their chest. "What labels are you wearing that aren't seen? Because, let me tell you, every single one of you is wearing a label that you can't see. What is it? What names have people called you? What is it you think of yourself?"

I got a handful of answers: swear words, slang, and some repeats of what had already been said.

"The labels that count the most are the ones you give to yourself." I paused. "Do you like the label on your chest?" A universal 'no.' "Then take it off. Take it off, crumple it up, and throw it at me."

A flurry of wadded up stickers fell on the floor.

"Who are you? What describes you? What's your label?"

I took a bag of positive labels and handed them out: 'Beautiful' 'Powerful' 'Strong' 'Smart' 'Awesome' 'Hot.' When I ran out of labels, but not out of kids, I wrote the labels on the palm of their hands. One girl, who had sobbed quietly through my presentation, held out her hand. I looked into her eyes and at her slumped shoulders and then wrote 'Powerful' in permanent marker on her hand.

One boy asked if he could keep his 'Punk' label. I told him no. "No, because being a punk landed you in jail. That's not okay."

"If I could do anything," I said as I wrapped up, "I would open up your minds and pour in the fact that the labels that mean the most are the ones you give yourself. And you can choose to have a good label."

I stood at the back of the door as the kids filed out and shook their hands or gave them a 'fist bump.' "Don't come back," I told a few of them. "Make better choices."

I do the same label activity with my kids in my writing class. It's powerful and inevitably I get kids who end up hating me. They hate the idea I can so easily, and with so little care, put a bad name on their chest for everyone to see. They hate it when I look first at their label before listening to what they have to say. They hate when I repeat things slower because I can see from their names that they need help. They hate it, but by the end of class, they get it.

One teen boy, who hated me with a passion during my label class, grudgingly acknowledged last week when I asked him that the activity was powerful and it hit home. He looked at the floor as he admitted it had taught him and he no longer hated me for it.



We all have labels. 

So what are yours?
And who put them there?
And are you happy with them?

Just asking......

The State of the States

So the 3 year old has mastered his letters and numbers 0 to 9 and most of his colors. He is now learning little letters and big letters and prefers to be read our copy of "Learn, Discover, and Explore: The United States of America" at bedtime. It's a board book with "50 Fun Flaps!" about the states and their capitals.

This morning, we discussed Mrs. Sippi and Mr. Sippi (where are they?) and looked for New Hamster (we found him). The other night he chanted "Delaware" as I changed him into his pjs and is also quite fond of Pennsylvania. In his free time, he likes to ask people if they are a meat eater or a plant eater. When we told him last night that the dog is a meat eater, he started singing a song about carnivores.

Some days, it's rather unnerving to have such smart kids. Especially this little man (who still refuses to potty train, but is attempting to read the ketchup bottle).

(he's an omnivore, by the way)

Josh Groban - You Are Loved [Don't Give Up] (Video)

God's Love

"Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God's love encompasses us completely. 


"He loves us because He is filled with an infinite measure of holy, pure, and indescribable love. We are important to God not because of our resume but because we are His children. He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken. God's love is so great that He loves even the proud, the selfish, the arrogant, and the wicked. 

"What this means is that, regardless of our current state, there is hope for us. No matter our distress, no matter our sorrow, no matter our mistakes, our infinitely compassionate Heavenly Father desires that we draw near to Him so that He can draw near to us." 

-President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "The Love of God"

15 years ago....

I was married in Las Vegas, on the Strip across the street from Circus Circus. It was the middle of the night. I was surrounded by strangers and fake flowers and organ music being played on a boom box. I held the hand of someone who promised to love me and care for me more than anyone else ever had.

In my heart, I knew I had made the wrong decision.

Four and a half months of being physically and emotionally beaten down every single day. Screamed at. Kicked unconscious. Bitten. Attacked with a bat. Punched again and again and again...

I wish I could say "hey, I'm totally over it. hey, that was so last decade/century. hey, I'm perfectly fine." But I'd be lying. That experience forever altered the life I had envisioned for myself. It deeply shook the foundation of my family. It changed my mind and my body and heart forever.

I'm not as trusting as I used to be. If you come at me in love, I'll probably still wince and protect myself. I doubt, in my heart, some days how much I am really worth. And I'm still pretty confident that I cannot dance.

But the good things are many and outweigh the negative. The people's lives I've impacted and saved are many. There was much that I gained from the whole experience. It made me who I am. It's a part of me and my history.

At the Legal Aid Gala, the interviewer asked me: Why not just walk away from it? Why not just move on with your life and forget it never happened?

Why? Because I know too much. I know what it's like to be abused, to be beaten down, to feel like trash, to want to die. I don't want others to feel that way. If what I know can save someone else the pain, then I'm going to share my experiences, spill my memories. Right now, I spend most of my extra time convincing juvenile delinquents that they still have a chance to make their lives incredible. I don't mind going into the jails to talk to the hoodlums, the punks, the thieves, and the rest. I enjoy it. I like being a living, breathing example of rising up out of the ashes.

But the abuse still affects me. Really, how could it not? Last night, at the advice of my dear sister-friend H, I took some time to allow myself to acknowledge what had happened on that night so many years ago. I played the love song he used to twist and manipulate my affections with. I played it two or three times and let myself go back to the feelings of a scared, insecure 19 year old girl who desperately wanted someone to love her. I felt a deep sense of sadness and loss, but no tears. When I was done, I let my hubby hold me and stroke my hair. I let the pain go and listened to a happier song before falling asleep.

Life is good. Life is hard. Life is a gift. Life is never finalized. Life can be changed.

For that, I am grateful. I am not perfect. I still struggle. My hormones still have the power to make me psycho, but I am still grateful for all that I have and am.

I am blessed.

Second Chances

Fifteen years ago tonight I made the single worst decision of my life. It was a decision that forever altered the course of my life and almost killed me.

Standing here now, I have a blessed and happy life-- a wonderful husband, incredible kids, and lots of love. It goes to show you that life is a fluid gift. Our Father in Heaven will give us chance after chance to make our lives good, great, and/or wonderful. Life is never over, no matter what decisions were made.

For that, I am eternally grateful.

Amazing Sunset

Taken October 29th by my nephew Michael as we were driving down the freeway. The colors were amazing!

A Fabulous Blog

I discovered this blog last week and have quite enjoyed it. Every morning this man dresses up in a costume to wave good-bye to his 15 year old as the school bus drives away. Then he takes a pic and blogs about it. I LOVE IT!

http://waveatthebus.blogspot.com/