The piles of things on my counter near the phone are a good representation of my life right now.
-a vet reminder card that my dogs are past-due on vaccines
-my completed application to the U's licensed substance abuse counselor program
-my almost completed personal essay to go with my completed application
-blank cards waiting to be written in and sent along with my new super-cute address labels and some leftover Christmas stamps
-a library book about addiction and recovery
-my iTouch (so I can play "Words with Friends"
-a reminder card for an appointment I had two weeks ago
-a tube of lotion so I can help my daughter's hands not be so crusty and dry
-my computer
-a brief description of the classes for the Master's of Social Work program
-my daughter's report card
-my son's report card
-a Kid History calendar that I don't know where to hang up
-a business card for the ENT who will be removing my 4 year old's tonsils & adenoids next week
-a note to my kids written by their cousin in Florida
-a folder filled with miscellaneous papers for the LSAC program at the U
-a bookmark with my new favorite website: SLCC's online library. I've been watching videos on demand and requesting interesting books
-a note with the dimensions of our ancient TV written on it.
-my To Do list which has been blank for the last two weeks because I haven't stopped long enough to write down what I should be doing
-a purple bouncy-ball
-assorted pens and pencils
Yep, that about sums up my life.
Now it's time to work on my Criminal Justice class which, after spending 4 hours working two weeks ago, I managed to get a month and a half ahead. I figure if I put in 4 hours today then I won't have anything due until March. It's hard to take a class that easy seriously. The professor told me I could complete it as fast as I wanted and that the record was a student who did the whole thing in 2 weeks. Seriously? And this is a college class?
Tonight is my juvenile justice class. It's the one that's similar to a high school class taught by a football coach. It's an interesting class and I enjoy it. I listen to the discussions while reading ahead in my book-- that way, I won't ever have to study outside of class. :oD
Monday, January 30, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
....weary.....
I am tired. I feel wiped out. Too much to do. Too much stress. Too little sleep.
I'm dragging myself through the days by putting one foot in front of another. I'm finding myself reconsidering all the decisions I've made, all the activities I'm involved in.
Do I want to keep teaching for the Red Cross? Do I want to keep my macroeconomics class? Do I want to read any of the books I checked out from the library? Will I survive the licensed substance abuse counseling program this fall or will it be like the APRN program where I think I like it and then decide I don't?
My To-Do list is actually being whittled down-- sorta. I sent emails yesterday that have needed to be sent for months. I returned a phone call after 5 weeks.
I'm just tired. I need a nap, I think, to clear my head and refocus my perspective.
I'm dragging myself through the days by putting one foot in front of another. I'm finding myself reconsidering all the decisions I've made, all the activities I'm involved in.
Do I want to keep teaching for the Red Cross? Do I want to keep my macroeconomics class? Do I want to read any of the books I checked out from the library? Will I survive the licensed substance abuse counseling program this fall or will it be like the APRN program where I think I like it and then decide I don't?
My To-Do list is actually being whittled down-- sorta. I sent emails yesterday that have needed to be sent for months. I returned a phone call after 5 weeks.
I'm just tired. I need a nap, I think, to clear my head and refocus my perspective.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Hard Things
It seems to me lately that a lot of people I know are going through hard things. Some of them are caused by their own bad choices and others are caused by choices of people around them. It's very hard for me to see people struggling. I spent most of Friday afternoon crying for two very dear people to me. My heart aches and I wish I could race to the rescue.
But I can't.
And I shouldn't.
I recently had a friend who, I felt, was making a very poor choice, a choice that would negatively impact their life and the life of someone else. Since I had experience with what they were going through, I thought it would be good for me to write a letter trying to explain what I had experienced myself and try to show my friend how their experience was far better than that. Every time I went to write the letter, the Spirit said "No" to my heart. I couldn't bring myself to write it. Each time I heard about my friend, I'd think again "I should really tell them they are missing the mark." And the Spirit said "No." I never wrote the letter. I wasn't supposed to interfere/intervene. My friend made their own choices. I have no idea what the outcome will be, but I wish them well. I don't know everything, I realize there are two sides to every story. I had to let go and trust that God knew the situation better.
Years ago, I met with one of my BFFs with the absolute intention of telling her she was making a terrible, terrible mistake. As soon as I arrived, the Spirit told me "No, don't say anything." I resisted that impression and, throughout the first part of our conversation, kept trying to decide how to tell my friend to stop what she was doing. By the end of our time together, MY opinion was the one changed. I was wrong. She was doing the right thing-- even though it seemed to go against everything I had been taught. To this day, I am grateful that I was prevented from making a grave mistake.
Sixteen years ago, my family and friends would have, in a heartbeat, chosen to not have me go through a horribly abusive situation. Out of love, they would have pulled me out and kept me out. Out of love, they would have kept me from a situation that has refined my life a thousand times over, a situation that has allowed me to literally save hundreds of people and influence thousands of others. They would have changed the course of my life (and others) forever in their loving attempt to keep me from hard things.
So here are lots of my friends and people I know going through hard things. It is gut-wrenching to watch, but I have to admit that I don't know what's best. I don't know how to fix everything. I don't have to fix everything. I can't make it all better. I may think I know best, but I have to acknowledge that I don't.
Hard things are a necessary part of life. We don't know the end from the beginning so we can't know how important hard things are to the lives of those we love (including ourselves). Ultimately, it comes to a matter of faith.
We MUST believe that God knows best, that he is FAR more committed to our success and happiness and that of our loved ones than we are mortally able to be, that he will make it all right-- either in this life or in the next, that he can take ugly things and make them beautiful, that he is the ultimate healer.
It's all about faith. We put our faith in God and then we "let go and let God." It's not easy, but it is possible. In response to bawling my eyes out on Friday, I marshaled my friends in a prayer chain. I asked everyone I knew to pray for my two special "BFFs" who are struggling. I prayed a lot myself-- I'm still praying! And when I start to feel panicky, like I need to intervene, I remember that it's all about faith and I work on strengthening my faith in my Father in Heaven.
But I can't.
And I shouldn't.
I recently had a friend who, I felt, was making a very poor choice, a choice that would negatively impact their life and the life of someone else. Since I had experience with what they were going through, I thought it would be good for me to write a letter trying to explain what I had experienced myself and try to show my friend how their experience was far better than that. Every time I went to write the letter, the Spirit said "No" to my heart. I couldn't bring myself to write it. Each time I heard about my friend, I'd think again "I should really tell them they are missing the mark." And the Spirit said "No." I never wrote the letter. I wasn't supposed to interfere/intervene. My friend made their own choices. I have no idea what the outcome will be, but I wish them well. I don't know everything, I realize there are two sides to every story. I had to let go and trust that God knew the situation better.
Years ago, I met with one of my BFFs with the absolute intention of telling her she was making a terrible, terrible mistake. As soon as I arrived, the Spirit told me "No, don't say anything." I resisted that impression and, throughout the first part of our conversation, kept trying to decide how to tell my friend to stop what she was doing. By the end of our time together, MY opinion was the one changed. I was wrong. She was doing the right thing-- even though it seemed to go against everything I had been taught. To this day, I am grateful that I was prevented from making a grave mistake.
Sixteen years ago, my family and friends would have, in a heartbeat, chosen to not have me go through a horribly abusive situation. Out of love, they would have pulled me out and kept me out. Out of love, they would have kept me from a situation that has refined my life a thousand times over, a situation that has allowed me to literally save hundreds of people and influence thousands of others. They would have changed the course of my life (and others) forever in their loving attempt to keep me from hard things.
So here are lots of my friends and people I know going through hard things. It is gut-wrenching to watch, but I have to admit that I don't know what's best. I don't know how to fix everything. I don't have to fix everything. I can't make it all better. I may think I know best, but I have to acknowledge that I don't.
Hard things are a necessary part of life. We don't know the end from the beginning so we can't know how important hard things are to the lives of those we love (including ourselves). Ultimately, it comes to a matter of faith.
We MUST believe that God knows best, that he is FAR more committed to our success and happiness and that of our loved ones than we are mortally able to be, that he will make it all right-- either in this life or in the next, that he can take ugly things and make them beautiful, that he is the ultimate healer.
It's all about faith. We put our faith in God and then we "let go and let God." It's not easy, but it is possible. In response to bawling my eyes out on Friday, I marshaled my friends in a prayer chain. I asked everyone I knew to pray for my two special "BFFs" who are struggling. I prayed a lot myself-- I'm still praying! And when I start to feel panicky, like I need to intervene, I remember that it's all about faith and I work on strengthening my faith in my Father in Heaven.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
5 am
Woke up at 5 am this morning and got out of bed instead of just laying there. I can be quite productive when I am up early. I guess I just need to keep myself motivated to get up early.
School started yesterday. I think this semester will be ridiculously easy. In fact, one class reminds me so much a high school class taught by a football coach that it's frightening. It will be a fun class, but way, way easy!
I have lots of things I *should* be doing, but can't seem to find motivation to do. Books to finish reading. Blogs to update. Cards to mail. Phone calls to return. Exercise to force myself to do. Bird cages to clean. Hmm, maybe getting up at 5 doesn't make me *that* productive.
School started yesterday. I think this semester will be ridiculously easy. In fact, one class reminds me so much a high school class taught by a football coach that it's frightening. It will be a fun class, but way, way easy!
I have lots of things I *should* be doing, but can't seem to find motivation to do. Books to finish reading. Blogs to update. Cards to mail. Phone calls to return. Exercise to force myself to do. Bird cages to clean. Hmm, maybe getting up at 5 doesn't make me *that* productive.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
My Hardest New Year's Goal
I'm trying to wean myself off of all sleeping meds and stay off of them. I'm trying to retrain my brain to sleep on its own. I'm trying to learn to understand what my body needs when it comes to sleep. I'm trying to let go of years of conditioning towards sleep that make me feel panicky when it comes to NOT sleeping. I'm trying to beat insomnia.
The first night was great! Slept straight from 11 pm to 6:45 am. Didn't wake up once.
It's all be downhill from there. Last night I woke up at least 5 times-- every two hours. The night before that I was awake for 2 hours between 3:41 am and 5:?? am. It was dreadful. I often end up on the couch. Sometimes I sleep, sometimes I don't.
It's so tempting to just pop a pill and be done with it. But that bad habit has gotten me to this stage of my life where sleep is often horrible, frustrating, badly needed, highly upsetting, and elusive.
Right now, I am the only one awake in my house. I am pushing myself to stay awake later and later as I push my body into a state of worse sleep deprivation. There's no point in going to be now anyways. I'd just be up after midnight.
I bought myself a copy of "No More Sleepless Nights" by Peter Hauri. Love that book. I read it frequently. I have a sleep log now so I can right down when I go to sleep, etc. etc. I'm hoping to find out some pattern or something to my random sleeplessness.
I've struggled with sleeping since I was a kid. I have memories of not being able to sleep in a darkened house growing up. It was miserable then. At least now I can listen to my iPod or go online or read or something. I don't have to lay in bed and suffer!
So here's to my 5 days without a sleeping pill.
I sure hope it doesn't kill me.....
But I do know it will get worse before it gets better. It may take up to two months to retrain my brain to sleep right. I just hope in the end that it's all worth it.
The first night was great! Slept straight from 11 pm to 6:45 am. Didn't wake up once.
It's all be downhill from there. Last night I woke up at least 5 times-- every two hours. The night before that I was awake for 2 hours between 3:41 am and 5:?? am. It was dreadful. I often end up on the couch. Sometimes I sleep, sometimes I don't.
It's so tempting to just pop a pill and be done with it. But that bad habit has gotten me to this stage of my life where sleep is often horrible, frustrating, badly needed, highly upsetting, and elusive.
Right now, I am the only one awake in my house. I am pushing myself to stay awake later and later as I push my body into a state of worse sleep deprivation. There's no point in going to be now anyways. I'd just be up after midnight.
I bought myself a copy of "No More Sleepless Nights" by Peter Hauri. Love that book. I read it frequently. I have a sleep log now so I can right down when I go to sleep, etc. etc. I'm hoping to find out some pattern or something to my random sleeplessness.
I've struggled with sleeping since I was a kid. I have memories of not being able to sleep in a darkened house growing up. It was miserable then. At least now I can listen to my iPod or go online or read or something. I don't have to lay in bed and suffer!
So here's to my 5 days without a sleeping pill.
I sure hope it doesn't kill me.....
But I do know it will get worse before it gets better. It may take up to two months to retrain my brain to sleep right. I just hope in the end that it's all worth it.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Great Things about 2012
-Spring is in two months. Woo hoo!
-My daughter turns 12 this year-- whoa. Junior High is in the forecast for this fall.
-My hubby & I celebrate 14 years of marriage. My parents are up to 40 years.
-Every day is getting longer by 2 minutes for the next 7 months.
-New semester for me at school. New classes.
-We're going to take a family vacation again. . . don't know where, but we are going to do it!
-My hubby & I are going on another weekend vacation with just us.
-I am applying for graduate school this year-- whoa.
-The last Artemis Fowl book is coming out.
-And there are soooo many other good books to read.
-I might actually start writing again, as in fiction, as in working on my manuscripts.
-We might actually be able to leave our kids home by themselves for a short periods of time.
-My son is becoming more and more stable.
-I'm going to have another niece and nephew. Excellent! I love babies.
-I can start riding my bike again when the weather warms up in a few months.
-Michael's will bring in new and fabulous Mary Englebreit cards that I can send to friends.
-Life will be just as blessed and just as wonderful and just as crazy busy!
Welcome 2012! I'm thrilled to be with you.
-My daughter turns 12 this year-- whoa. Junior High is in the forecast for this fall.
-My hubby & I celebrate 14 years of marriage. My parents are up to 40 years.
-Every day is getting longer by 2 minutes for the next 7 months.
-New semester for me at school. New classes.
-We're going to take a family vacation again. . . don't know where, but we are going to do it!
-My hubby & I are going on another weekend vacation with just us.
-I am applying for graduate school this year-- whoa.
-The last Artemis Fowl book is coming out.
-And there are soooo many other good books to read.
-I might actually start writing again, as in fiction, as in working on my manuscripts.
-We might actually be able to leave our kids home by themselves for a short periods of time.
-My son is becoming more and more stable.
-I'm going to have another niece and nephew. Excellent! I love babies.
-I can start riding my bike again when the weather warms up in a few months.
-Michael's will bring in new and fabulous Mary Englebreit cards that I can send to friends.
-Life will be just as blessed and just as wonderful and just as crazy busy!
Welcome 2012! I'm thrilled to be with you.
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